The Five Million Dollar Haircut
by Delordra
Summary: Just a product of my weird, twisted mind. JI humor.
1. Default Chapter

The Five Million Dollar Haircut  
  
This is based on a really weird dream I had, plus I needed a break from my ongoing, seriously angsty fics. Hopefully you'll find it at least a little bit funny. This is AU in which Jack and Irina both work for the CIA. And yes, in case you're wondering, I do have a teeny-weeny little hair obsession going on, stemming from when I made the biggest mistake of my life and cut mine off last spring. For more on the subject, read my original short-short, Haircut.  
  
Acknowledgements: I would like to thank the MST3000 robot for his assistance, even if he is a little annoying at times.  
  
***  
  
It was a dark and stormy night. ("Uh-huh, sure." "No, really, it was.") Irina Derevko Bristow looked out the window, adjusted her harness, and sighed. She climbed out the window onto the roof and slid along it until she reached her target: a large metal disk sticking up from the roof. As she pulled out her toolkit and began to work, she said to her husband over the comm., "Remind me again why I'm working on a large metal disk on the roof during a thunderstorm."  
  
Jack answered, "Because Sydney wants to watch Dawson's Creek." ("Ooh, Dawson's Creek, I like that show." "Shush, I'm trying to write a story here.")  
  
"Of course." She completed her adjustments. "How's that?"  
  
There was a moment's pause. "Good."  
  
Irina packed up her tools and made her way back to the house.  
  
***  
  
The next day at JTF.  
  
Jack and Irina faced Dixon in his office. "I'm afraid I have some bad news for you," he said. "The Covenant has put a price on both your heads."  
  
Irina raised an eyebrow. "How much?"  
  
"Five million for you, one million for Jack."  
  
Irina smirked. Jack glowered. "So the Covenant's trying to kill us. That's nothing new," Jack said sulkily. ("Is that a word?" "It is if I say it is." "Oh, okay.")  
  
Dixon looked surprised. "Oh, no, they're not trying to kill you," he said. "The bounty is for your hair."  
  
"Our hair?" Irina said, confused.  
  
"Yes. From the chatter we've picked up, it seems they're jealous of your hair."  
  
Irina tossed her head and twisted a strand of her long, silky chestnut hair around her finger. "Well, I can see why they're jealous of me, but Jack's hair?"  
  
"Hey!" Jack said. "I happen to be rather fond of my hair."  
  
Irina reached over and ran her fingers through Jack's hair. "Oh, there's nothing wrong with your hair. It just doesn't seem like it should be worth one million dollars."  
  
Jack smiled and moved closer to her. "And yours is worth five million, huh?" he said, caressing the aforementioned long, silky chestnut hair. ("Hey, you're just jealous." "Yes I am.")  
  
Irina leaned toward him. "I love it when you play with my hair," she said in a low, sultry voice.  
  
"Mmm," was Jack's only reply as he planted his lips on hers. In moments, they were pressed up against the wall, their hands in places that they should not have been in public. ("What are you doing? You're not a smutwright! Stop that and get back to the story!" "Oh, sorry.")  
  
Dixon cleared his throat. There was no response, so he cleared it again, more loudly. The couple in front of him broke apart guiltily. ("Guiltily? You really expect me to believe they're sorry?" "You're absolutely right." ) The couple in front of him broke apart, and Irina looked up at him innocently. "Oh, weren't we finished?" ("Much better." "Thank you.")  
  
"Well, almost. I just wanted to warn you. So when you're out in public, you might want to, you know, wear a hat or something. Or a wig. I'll, um, leave you two alone." Dixon scurried from the room.  
  
Irina looked at Jack and absentmindedly played with her hair. "You know, I have been thinking about a haircut. Do you think the Covenant would pay me five million dollars if I sent them the hair myself?"  
  
A look of pure fury appeared on Jack's face. "Don't you dare," he said menacingly.  
  
Irina stuck out her lower lip and pouted. ("Oh, wouldn't that be cute? Irina pouting, I can just see that.") "All right, if you insist, I won't cut my hair."  
  
"Thank God." They returned to what they'd been doing before Dixon interrupted them.  
  
*** 


	2. Chapter 2

An hour or so later. ("An hour or so? Try a month. Nobody remembers this story." "That doesn't matter. It's all in fun, remember?" "Okay, sure, whatever you say.")  
  
Jack and Irina emerged from Dixon's office, disheveled and happy. "Oh, good, I have a place to work again," Dixon murmured as he went back into his office. A moment later, he came back out, gingerly holding a scrap of cloth. "Um, Agent Derevko, I think you forgot this," he said.  
  
"Oh good, my thong. I was wondering where that went," Irina said. She took it from Dixon and stuffed it in her pocket. Dixon scurried back into his office.  
  
Just then, Lauren Reed walked up. ("The COW? Is that the COW?" "No, she's not a cow, she's a blonde. There's a difference.") She stared at Irina in shock for a moment, then shakily pulled out her gun. "Agent Bristow, do you realize you're standing next to a terrorist?" she said.  
  
Irina calmly reached out and plucked the gun from Lauren's hand. "Former terrorist. Didn't you get the memo? I work for the CIA now."  
  
"Wha.you do?"  
  
"She doesn't get CIA memos, dear, she's NSC," Jack said.  
  
"Which is why no one tells me anything!" Lauren said petulantly. Vaughn happened to be walking by, and she grabbed his tie. "Did [I]you[/I] know about this, Michael?"  
  
Vaughn wrinkled his forehead. "Of course I knew. Everybody knows."  
  
"[I]I[/I] didn't know! Why are you keeping secrets from me? It's my job to arrest people like her!" Lauren yelled.  
  
People started gathering around to watch. Weiss passed around a bowl of popcorn as murmurs of "Yes! Another hissy fit!" were heard.  
  
Vaughn's forehead grew even more wrinkled. ("Is that even possible?" "It is if I say it is.") "I wasn't keeping it secret."  
  
"She killed your father, remember? Doesn't that bother you?" Lauren's face was turning a remarkable shade of red.  
  
"Oh, I didn't kill him, he just went home," Irina said. Everyone turned to look at her in shock. "Oh, shoot, I shouldn't have said that." She put on a pair of sunglasses, then pulled out a small device with three buttons. She pressed one, and a bright flash filled the room, causing everyone to forget the last few seconds. ("Wait, is that a Men in Black thing? Are you saying Vaughn's father is an alien? Wouldn't that make him an alien, too?" *author looks around innocently* "No, I'm saying nothing of the sort. Just a minute now.ah, here it is!")  
  
*FLASH*  
  
("Yes, that's right, dear reader, you have been flashy-thinged. So whatever you thought you read about Men in Black getting mixed into this fic, just forget about it.")  
  
Vaughn looked at Lauren in confusion. "What's going on?"  
  
Lauren was also confused. "Um, I think I was yelling at you for something that wasn't your fault."  
  
"Well, that doesn't help," Vaughn said, frowning.  
  
"Aw, let's just forget it, snookums," Lauren said. She and Vaughn kissed.  
  
"Ew," the assembled watchers said, turning away and going back to whatever it is spies do when they're not dressed in costumes and stealing stuff. Lauren having a hissy fit was entertainment, but Lauren and Vaughn kissing was just awkward and weird. ("Are you some kind of anti-VL person?" "No, I'm just an anti-awkward and weird person.")  
  
Irina regained the author's attention (and turned the author an interesting shade of green) by tossing her long chestnut hair. "Jack, darling, let's get out of here," she said.  
  
"Okay. Wait, when did you put on sunglasses?"  
  
Irina whipped off the sunglasses and hid them away. Then she distracted Jack by kissing him senseless. They began to attract a crowd, because Jack and Irina kissing [I]was[/I] entertaining. Except for Sydney, for whom it was almost as awkward and weird as Vaughn and Lauren kissing. ("Poor weiner kid." "Yeah, you almost feel sorry for her, don't you?")  
  
Irina broke off the kiss and looked around. She raised a single eyebrow and moved the hand that was still holding Lauren's gun up just slightly; their audience promptly ran away. She pulled Jack toward the exit, dropping Lauren's gun on her desk on the way out. 


	3. Chapter 3

AN: The MST3000 robot got bored and left. He apologizes to those who only found this story bearable because of his sarcastic comments, and says that you don't have to read it if you don't want to since it's all just a product of the author's insanity anyway. The author agrees.  
  
Chapter 3  
  
A stunningly beautiful girl of about sixteen walked into JTF headquarters. The receptionist immediately fell in love with her, she seemed so good and beautiful, and immediately ushered her into the most secure part of the building. All the agents dropped what they were doing and approached. "Um, who are you?" Dixon asked when he remembered to close his mouth after staring at the lovely girl for several seconds.  
  
"I'm Mary Sue," the girl answered, smiling sweetly. "Where are Irina Derevko and Jack Bristow?" She took a pair of scissors out of her coat pocket, but no one noticed because they were all gazing into Mary Sue's beautiful eyes.  
  
Sydney stepped forward. She'd been needing a new best friend since she'd discovered that Francie was dead, and Mary Sue seemed perfect for the job. "Those are my parents," she said. "They should be back soon."  
  
"And what did you want us for?" Irina asked from behind Mary Sue, she and Jack having just returned from wherever they went after the last chapter.  
  
Mary Sue spun around and smiled at Jack and Irina, and they both immediately fell in love with her and wanted to adopt her. "Oh, I just wanted to give you a little haircut," she said happily, holding up the scissors.  
  
"Oh, all right then," Irina said, stepping forward.  
  
Jack put a hand on her shoulder to stop her, as much as he wanted to give the beautiful girl whatever she wanted. "Irina, something's not right here."  
  
"Everything's just fine," said Mary Sue in that sweetly mesmerizing voice of hers. "I'll just snip your luscious locks and be on my way."  
  
"No!" Jack cried, breaking out of the spell Mary Sue was weaving. He pulled out his gun and shot Mary Sue right in the center of her forehead.  
  
Everyone frowned and shook their heads uncertainly as Mary Sue fell to the floor. Most felt nauseated, but relieved. "Thank you, Jack," said Irina, giving him a kiss. "That was close."  
  
Weiss fell to his knees beside the corpse of Mary Sue. "No!" he cried, tears falling down his face. "I wanted to spend my life with her! I never got to tell her how I felt!"  
  
Dixon and Vaughn grabbed Weiss under the arms and pulled him away. "Weiss, get a grip, man!" Vaughn said. "You weren't good enough for her anyway. At least now you'll always have the memory of her perfection."  
  
Weiss wiped his eyes. "Yeah, yeah, I guess you're right."  
  
Now that Weiss was under control, Dixon turned his attention back to the body. "Could someone clean this up?" he shouted. "She's making a mess of the plot!"  
  
"We have a plot?" Sydney asked, bewildered.  
  
Dixon frowned. "The floor. I meant the floor. Of course we don't have a plot."  
  
Murmurs of assent went around the room, and everyone went back to their regular business. 


End file.
